Be a Badass Not a Victim: How to Take Control and Own Your Shit

​Life is not always easy.  As a matter of fact, life can be downright brutal at times.  Shit happens.  Some of us have survived some pretty tough shit; abuse, trauma, loss of loved ones, serious illness, financial difficulties, things that you imagine you will never be able to survive.  But you do.  Even after the most devastating events, life goes on.  And you survive.  Who you are and who you become is a direct result of the unique series of events you have endured and how you have responded to those events.  While you aren’t always capable of controlling what happens to you, you are capable of controlling how you react, how you recover, and what you take away from the experience

“Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.” - Charles Swindoll
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Every experience, good or bad, is an opportunity to grow and learn.  Often times you fail to take chances, or action because you doubt yourself, you worry about how others will perceive you or fear that you will fail.  Fear can hinder you from having the life you want, the success you envision, and the strength you are capable of.  Fear of failure can be the biggest roadblock to taking action.  However, failure is not something to be feared!  In fact, failure is a gift.  When you fail,  you gain valuable information that can be used to refine your approach for your next attempt until you achieve the desired result.  The same can be said for the experiences that are out of your control.  These are moments you can learn invaluable information about yourself, your fortitude, and how you navigate difficult moments.  You have a choice as to how you react, what you learn, and how to move forward.  A common reaction to things that are beyond your control is to lay blame on others, or the circumstances, and assume the role of the victim.  And while you may, in fact, have been a victim, It’s not a permanent label.  You can choose to own your experience, you can be proactive about how you manage and recover from the trauma, and shift into the role of a survivor.  You cannot control everything that happens to you but you can control how you allow it to affect your future.  

“You may not be responsible for being knocked down, but you are certainly responsible for getting back up.” Jesse Jackson
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​I write this from a place of experience.  I am a survivor of child sexual abuse.  As a result I have a long history of battling depression.  What happened to me was devastating.  It affected me in ways I’m sure I still don’t understand.  And while my abuse is a part of my history it does not define me.  I have gained immense strength and perspective on how to handle life’s challenges and empathize with other survivors.  Early on I made the decision that I would not remain a victim. That I would not let what happened to me cause me to self-destruct or fall into a lifetime of unhealthy choices.  I was angry that I felt so manipulated, used, and helpless.  I didn’t want to feel that way my entire life.  I wanted to own my voice, I wanted to own my power, I wanted to take control of my life, I wanted to create my future, and I wanted happiness.   To claim all of those things I have had to put in the work.  I had to step into a place of power and assume the responsibility for my health and my behavior, and how I would let my experience shape who I would become.  It’s an ongoing process that requires facing your demons.  You have to have the difficult conversations with yourself, and accept the truth behind your actions, and choices.  You have to realize that you must change if you are not getting the results you desire. 
 
Owning your shit is no walk in the park.  You must be determined, you must be persistent, and you must be a warrior!!!  No one is going to ride in on their white steed and save you from yourself, from your past, or from your pain.  You have to be your own hero. And let me tell you… you won’t always feel strong.  You won’t always feel like you have the energy, or the will to keep fighting the fight.  Quite often once you have made the first steps toward healing, toward moving forward, toward taking control it will get much harder before it gets better.  Just remember that you are capable of great things.  Every single person reading this is capable of badassery if you resolve yourself to take action.    
 
How do you make that happen?

As they say, “The struggle is real”.  Based on your unique journey and your goals, you may be facing a wide range of challenges.  Finding the motivation when you are dealing with grief, illness, or mental illnesses is damn near impossible.  But don’t let these roadblocks keep you from living the happy, healthy, best life that you dream of.  It can be so overwhelming trying to figure out where to begin.  Even a simple google search may yield more information than you want to sift through and you may find yourself giving up before you have even begun.  I have been there!  Take a deep breath, and use some of the following techniques to help you with that first step toward taking action!
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​Identify your challenge – What is getting in the way?  What is paralyzing progress?  What are the excuses being used to avoid taking action?  To identify the source of the problem, you may have to dig a little deeper.  You may have to do a bit of soul searching.  You can be your own worst enemy.  You may blame yourself and find yourself stuck in a rut of self-pity.   You may be avoiding responsibility altogether and shifting the blame to others claiming you have no control over your circumstances.  Or possibly you are cycling through the never ending list of “what if’s” hindering you from proactively moving forward.  Once you have identified what is holding you back you can form a plan of action.  

​Take action – The biggest barrier to achieving the life you want is lack of action.  Too often people wait because they don’t feel like they’re prepared.  They are afraid to fail.  They are waiting for some mythical perfect time.  I can assure you that you will never be 100% ready.  The stars will never align giving you the undeniable sign that the time is right.   You just have to do it.  Do anything!  Take the leap and start taking action right now!  Don’t wait for a new day, a new week, a new month… just do it now!  The more action you take the closer you are to the outcome that you want.  Imagine where you will be in a week, a month, or a year from now if you start today.  

“The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.”
—Amelia Earhart
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​Ask for help – You’re not alone.  You may feel like there isn’t a soul out there who understands what you are going through and that no one is going to want to or be able to help you through this.  I promise you there are more people out there who are ready and willing to help and support you than you may realize.  Friends, family, colleagues, counselors, random strangers in Facebook groups who may have similar struggles, there are people out there who are ready to listen, offer advice, and help you find solutions to your problems.  You just need to ask.  What’s the worst thing that could happen?  Someone may tell you no?  Someone may not feel qualified to help you?  But more often than not people are ready and willing to lend a hand.  You won’t know unless you ask!  Just remember that you are worthy of this love and support.  Don’t push it away!  

​Embrace failure – Fear of failure is often the main reason we fail to act in the first place.  No one likes to fail.  No one enjoys the feeling of making an effort, feeling hopeful that this time you will succeed only to have it all blow up in your face.  But remember that failure is a learning experience.  Every time you fail you have the opportunity to learn what doesn’t work, what you need to change before your next attempt, what emotions come up with your failure, and what those emotions reveal about your perspective on yourself, the task at hand, or life in general.  Failure offers such a glorious opportunity to improve.  The more you fail the better you become!  So don’t let fear of failure hold you back from the success you dream of!  

I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. —Michael Jordan
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Lose the excuses! – Take that list of excuses and realize that they are just that…excuses.  They are you avoiding being honest with yourself.  They are you avoiding responsibility for your lack of change, your lack of action, your lack of living up to your potential.  One of my favorite motivational quotes is, “You can have excuses or you can have results”.  It doesn’t matter what challenge lies in your way, YOU are responsible for your future.  There will always be an excuse you can use to avoid putting in the work, but this only prolongs your misery.  Let’s take depression… Many of us suffer from this debilitating mental illness.  It’s tough to find the energy or the will to take action.  But you have a choice.  You can continue to lay on the couch, avoid being social, avoid going to work, skip workouts and physical activity, eat like crap and blame it all on your depression, OR, you can seek out help.  Call a help line, find a doctor and/or a counselor, find out what actions help to best manage your depression and move you towards a happier more productive life.  YOU HAVE CONTROL!!!!  How empowering and amazing is that fact?  YOU have control.  It’s not always an easy process and it is often ongoing, but there always solutions to the obstacles that come up.  Everything you want is on the other side of your excuses.   You just have to kick them to the curb.  

“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.”
—Alice Walker
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​Commit to change - Once you have decided to take action, own your shit, and stare fear in the face you have to COMMIT to the change.  It’s easy to backslide.  That’s why we have the terms yo-yo dieting, falling off the wagon, and roller coaster of emotions… things ebb and flow.  There is no easy straight line from your current position to your end goal.  And quite often the idea of an end goal can trip you up.  The reality is that once the end goal is achieved you have to maintain the results.  Happiness, mental health, weight loss, healthy habits, or overcoming grief are all things that once achieved require ongoing work to maintain.  Life will always throw a curve ball but you need to be steadfast in your determination to recover from slip ups or setbacks to hold onto what you have worked so hard for.  

​So… To all of you beautiful badasses out there I urge you to believe in your own power and capabilities.  It’s never easy to step outside of your comfort zone.  If you’re anything like me you rebel against the idea and procrastinate for as long as possible.  I’ve recently learned that as hard as it may be to change your behavior, your habits, and patterns of thinking, it’s harder to remain motionless and miserable while dreaming about the life you want and regretting the missed opportunities.  So take responsibility for the role you play in your future, own your shit and go do great things!